Butterfly Kisses
by Tomashima Shelly
Summary: China comes home after a long time. He is there to rest but he can't stop memories to come back. Varning: Self harm  To everyone who wonders: "Я люблю тебя" means "I love you"


This is my first fanfic so be nice to me. I'm not good at it I will try my best to get better.

Pairing: Russia/China

Varning: Self harm, Starvation

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><p><span>To Clear <span>Memories

China is tired. He slowly opens the door to his bedroom. It had been a long time since he'd been home. So much had happened.

He walks into the room and look around. It hasn't changed a bit. It is big and dark, a red carpet covers most of the floor and in the middle there is a king-size bed. On the nightstand there is still a bottle with some clear liquid in.

He walks up to the bed and, as usual, he founds an oversized t-shirt under one of the pillows.

Quickly he removes his own clothes. They are dirty and the bloodstains are too visible. He let the t-shirt fall in place over his thin body. It goes all the way down to his knees.

Then he crawl down under the cold sheets in the bed and curls up in an attempt to warm him self. He faces the nightstand, blankly starring at the bottle. A faint smell of vodka is left in the fabric of the shirt. The bed creaks when he moves into a more comfortable position. He tense up for a moment. He remembers the sound of someone who curls up next to him in this same bed. Then he shakes his head, tell him self it's just his imagination and try to go to sleep. But it's hard. Now when he's back home, the memories is back too.

He remembers how he used to lay like this. He can remember how he feels him moving behind him. His hand moving over his scarred arm, and down over his stomach. He used to stay there and lightly touch his ribs, which of starvation stuck out more then what was healthy.

He would sneak his arm under China and hug him from behind. Slowly taking away the cold. Snuggle up against him and give his neck thousands of butterfly kisses that sent shivers all the way down his spine.

He would whisper in his ear, with his hoarse, childish voice.

- Yao. Я люблю тебя.

Quick, China sits up, tears streaming down his cheeks. It was so real, the touch, the feelings, the voice. He screams, loud. He doesn't want to remember, it is too painful. He had almost forgotten. But his feelings are too strong.

He rises from the bed and opens the drawer in the nightstand. There he founds it, the small, sharp knife.

He brought it to his wrist and draws a thin, red line. And then another one, over the older scars. They are many now. He pushes harder and a small drop of blood become visible. Harder. Maybe, if he's lucky, he will die this time. He lifts the knife to hit hard, to get in deeper.

But he doesn't get the chance. Gloved hands grip his wrist and take the knife from him.

- China… Don't

China freezes. That voice. He feels tears start falling again. When he gets his control back he pulls his arm lose and turn around. Behind him he stands. The same scarf as ever and purple eyes filled with sorrow.

- Russia. What are you doing here? China asks and wipes away his tears.

Russia looks at him. He looks worn out and tired.

- I just wanted to see you. He answers.

China resists the will of just hug him and cry. This isn't right.

You can't be here. Our alliance is over.

But, you are crying. And you're hurting yourself.

China gets silent. What can he say? He looks at the knife on the floor. He needs it. But can't do it in front of him. His heart is beating faster when he think about him. He can hardly breathe and the tears won't stop.

Suddenly he feels arms around him and a warm embrace. It feels good.

- No!

He pushes him away. He sees the sorrow in his eyes.

- I'm sorry. You can't be here. I can't remember you. All those memories are breaking me down. You are breaking me down. If I remember I cant go on. I've tried to forget. It's hard.

He can't stop talking. Everything is coming back.

- China.

- No! No, no. Don't. Go away! It won't work. I don't want too…

Then he just screams. He can't focus and he goes down on knee, crying and shaking.

- China. Easy.

Russia put a hand on Chinas shoulder.

- No! Don't! You can't be here. I don't want too… can't remember.

- Yao!

China looks up. Russia sits there in front of him. He looks almost angry. He pulls him in to a hug. Still shaking, China just sits there, chocked.

- Yao, breathe. It will okay.

- Ru… Ivan, I'm sorry. I can't go on without you.

- I know. I missed you too.

China clings on to the larger man. The familiar scent fills his lungs and makes him calm down.

- I never forgot you.

- Me neither.

Russia pulls out and looks at China. He pulls some hair of his face and wipes away the tears on his cheeks. China feels the warmth from the hand and seeks more. There was a long time since someone where this nice to him. Russia smiles at him, his usual, childish smile.

He leans in and gives China a light kiss and smiles again. Then he wraps his arms around him and kisses him deeper. China clings on the others scarf and kiss back. When the break to breath, China rests his head on Russia's shoulder. Russia holds him and gives him a butterfly kiss on his neck.

- Yao. Я люблю тебя.

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><p>Not a really good ending, but it will do.<p>

Please review


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